Stay On Your Mat
Stay on my mat.
That’s what the professionals advised me to do. That’s what Virginia encouraged me to do and Cara said to sit with myself until the tears came. Because apparently, I’m not so good with dealing with my emotions. I always thought if I cried at sad movies or listened to sad music, then that meant I was letting them out. But I guess the soundtrack from “Spirit” and “Me Before You” doesn’t cut it.
It wasn’t until I was laying on my yoga mat in a public class that I began to understand what "staying on your mat" actually meant. I laid there with tears (l i t e r a l l y) rolling down my cheeks as I desperately tried to wipe them away. It was a silent cry. The kind of silence cry where your heart shatters into a million pieces but all you have the strength to do is squeeze your eyes shut and accept defeat as the overwhelming emotions of sadness and loneliness saturate you.
And this in-look into my very messy soul told me that staying on your mat meant not running away.
All my life it feels like I’ve been running away. Not from the crushes or the friends who bring me down or even from strangers who give me the heebie jeebies.
I’ve been running away from myself.
Running away from the voice that won’t stop whispering “Actually, this is what I really think”
Running away from the biological reality that attaining that thigh gap I’ve wanted since 7th grade and emaciated body would cause serious health deterioration
Running away from my stomach growling to tell me I’m hungry
Running away from the truth that I completely lack self compassion.
And its some scary shit. Laying on that mat, the epiphany hit me like a brick.
I am completely scared of myself and I don’t know what to do about it.
What can I do? I can’t escape myself. I can’t just step out of my body and move on to another. Basically, I am stuck with that daunting voice inside (yay!). And just accepting that makes me want to slam my head against the wall (HA.). It’s just me, myself and I - in a full blown screaming battle.
The frustration comes from the reality that I have to do something about this fear. Not because it makes me some hero, or gives me the validation I want from others (even though for a while that’s all I wanted - that’s some fake shit right there). I have to face this fear because I am wasting my life. My incapability to let myself feel the horrible pain and sadness inside me has completely taken control and I continue to miss out on making sure that my life is of high quality. And that, my friend, is not okay.
Which is why we are here. Why I have decided that “staying on my mat” is a 2019 New Year’s resolution.
If we cannot sit with ourselves in that horrible dark hole of uncomfortableness and uncertainty, we will never peel away another layer of ourselves. We will never learn more about ourselves. We will never figure out who we really are and what we truly want. Of course, it's easy to read and then completely ignore the actual “doing of it”, but the more we bury it down inside, the less time we have to live.
So how about we play a little truth or dare?
I dare you to take 15 minutes of your day and stay on your mat. Wherever it may be - the ground, a bed, or an actual yoga mat.
See what happens. What rises to the surface when you sit with yourself?
For me - it’s self discovery. And a lot of snot and tears. And I hope it's the same for you (besides the germs).